today's BPGHS's 46th annual speech day...pretty alright, with lye ee being awarded the most outstanding student award and shawn being awarded the aesthetic award..or sth like tt.

well..i have been thinking over some stuff which i seem to have neglected lately...

its a painful realisation, but i realised that i cannot be relying on someone all my life, even though i really want to. even for now, i have to depend on myself...i always had the wish of having someone who is very close to me, whom i can share everyth with...but i realise that others cannot be listening to me all the time. they have their own lives to lead, their own problems to handle, and so on...how can i be so selfish to disturb them over my own personal problems? if i really regard them as true friends, i shld think for them as well...

i must admit it's a struggle...its between something i want and something i shouldn't do..and so sometimes i do lose control and do the wrong thing...to those who have listened to me, i really do appreciate it...n i donno wat to do to thank u guys..i will try my best not to disturb u guys in the future, but if i do, please forgive me. it truly isn't intentional.

so essentially, i'm back to the days of being alone again, literally and metamorphically. i'm trying to look at it in a more optimistic way..i think i will be able to succeed someday...with the guys helping me. thanks a lot!!!

jor and i now talking abt helping ourselves...(to problems, not food) lol...

nitex. didnt sleep well last night, neck hurts now..it wasn so bad in the morning..now i find it extremely tiring to walk with my head straight...thanks bao for massaging my neck for me.

i was alone on the mrt, when i just thought of being alone once again...its wrong to say that actually, for i have been alone all the while. i'm not complaining over that, in fact i have stopped wishing for someone to be my side quite some time ago...i know that i shouldn be disturbing others, and i shld just accept my fate and be alone. there's nth wrong about being alone, just that i feel empty at times...being in sch makes me forget this (haha...kena gl all the time, but thanks anyway), but when i'm alone, it just comes back...

i do not deny that i do yearn to have someone who's always beside me, like a brother or sth, even though i know its not possible...instead of trying to wish for the impossible, i shld be thinking of how to make loneliness a good feeling instead of a bad one (sounds pretty impossible too, huh?) but still...i don't know how.

i just don't like the feeling of emptiness...it makes one feel lost. sad to say, i will have to leave it the way it is...

i don't have a choice. what the hell is wrong with me?

i wish i knew.

that sudden tinge of unhappiness...i don see why it shld appear at a time like this.

i kept thinking about it. is it because i am unhappy being single, or i lack confidence? it just doesn't fit in. my life's perfect now. why shld this silly thing pop up now, making me feel depressed????

i'm beginning to believe that this is a periodic thing. oh how i hate it.

i'm trying my best not to affect anyone...but it's affecting myself too much.

be gone. feel like letting my emotions flow...

during the actual day of the performance, i wanted to cry...but i told myself not to. firstly because i'm touched by the effort eveeryone put in, secondly that's my final performance... i will miss my section members...having been a sectional leader for 2 yrs...its inevitable that i feel sad when i have to step down...i really had a wonderful time with them. i am glad that i've known them, and i will never forget them...

listening to 'Beauty and the Beast' now...its such a beautiful song.

i guess...i really have memorable times in this sch...my beloved 4T1...marcus and company...the musical...my section...CO...all of them really added colours to my life...n i learnt how to look at things at a more positive way...i know what is it like to be happy...even though i learnt sadness first. but it doesn matter.

sometimes i just wonder...would i know what happiness really is if i got to experience happiness first? maybe not...but still, life's full of ups and downs...its only normal that u feel both...or mayb something even more complex...

i have been through a lot...i'm a little tired, a little reluctanct to move on, and a little afraid things will all go wrong and i have to clear up everyth alone again...but...despite that, i think its worth my effort to continue with life...i consider myself fortunate, very fortunate to have a group of good friends...u noe who u guys are. without u guys, i won be who i am today..thanks a lot. love u guys!!!

we meet only to part...how true. time flies. 3 and a half years have flown by, and its the final stretch...i feel sad whenever i think of this, but ya noe, 天下无不散的宴席... but i'm glad i have cherished most of the moments with my class...and all else...

i will definitely miss the times here despite complaining about the sch all the time...

love ya guys!!!!

haha. here are some (2 in fact) photos taken during the musical..will upload more when i get them. haha.

from bottom left: Valencia, Fiona, me, Zong Ping, Caslin (in a pink skirt!!!!)

From bottom left: Qian, Hong Wei, Valencia, Caslin, Jie Qi, Joan, Zong Ping, Lye Ee, Wilson, Fiona (with tongue sticking out) and me!!!

haha. that's all i have. cya!

It's over in that few hours. its a fantastic show, and i enjoyed every single moment of it. the feeling is just...fantastic. you feel as if you have brought joy, laughter and most importantly enjoyment to each and everyone sitting there at victoria theater.

yes. beauty and the beasty: the musical was a success!!!

haha. let me start with the rehearsals.

mon. we went through everything once, and there was some glitches here and there. of cos, CO and its discipline problem (some of the girls actually used the cast's changing room and refused to open the door when they were asked to come out) and the poor quality of music it played. and choir with a little bit of pitching problem...but it was still fine. dinner sucked, but we still managed to eat it, and supper was McChicken. lol...got home with marcus at around 11, after packing we chatted for a while, and fell asleep.

tues. the worst day. the technical glitches were so bad that we couldn even finish rehearsing the first half. but CO improved, and so did choir. we left slightly later, and got back at around 11 plus. the food was still as bad, and supper was McChicken again. lol. had a lot of fun with my section, and we went crazy talking about stuff. got home at 11 plus, had another chat with marcus before falling asleep.

wed. the actual day. the first half of the day was spent rehearsing the finale. when we got there they were still trying to run the muscial once, so CO practised on their own. after which we practised the finale again. and then came the 3pm show. the children were so cute, and they actually had digital cameras with them!!! they are only 6 years old!!! and they took a picture of us without us knowing. our expression must have been very funny. and one of them called us uncle and aunties. haha. it ran on well, except that CO went late for the finale. haha.

the actual show. everyone was excited, nervous. before it started, my sect did the jia you thingy. haha. we were the most enthu of the lot. and the first song, Beauty and the Beast, went well. then was the muscial. it was well received. i must say that choir did very well, especially the guys, bcos some of the notes are really very high. haha. shld be sung by girls. the highest i heard was the last note they sung before the intermission. the song was be my guest. during CO's performance after the intermission, i was helping backstage, and i was so nervous, even more nervous when i was out there performing. gao suo almost made the whole CO go slow, thank goodness his part was about to end when he started to go slow...whew. that was colours of the wind, the most diff song...if we hold on together was fine. then the 2nd half of the show, they did equally as well, the fighting scene was cool. haha. and there's one part where the choir had to sing very fast, they did it well. and the finale!!! the main characters were running all over...haha. and when i got up on stage, it was such a fantastic feeling. i just felt great. and of course, we did the bp cheer.

and when we left to pack, i suddenly felt moved...by all the effort we had put in for this performance. we pulled it through!!! i also felt a bit sad, for this is the last time i'm in a big performance with my section...they rock!!! grace and peiyi gave me something..i was really touched. thanks a lot!!! and i will never forget my section, they really are the best! we were all so happy when the performance was over, i'm sure it was a great experience for everyone. haha. at least it was a memorable one for me. i got home at midnight (marcus didn tag along) and slept till 8.30. haha. reported to school at 9.30 to carry the instruments back to music room...and had CIP hours for that. lol.

i really felt very happy the last couple of days...staying together with marcus made me feel really belonged, even though he kept scaring me with those silly ghost stories on the 2nd night. so thanks a lot marcus...really. hz treated me well also, although he broke up with her...bcos he cannot treat her well always... i really don't know what to say, but i wish both of them all the best. so my life is so purposeful now, and i have no more regrets.

ok, i've written long enough. haha. have to get back to work...cya!
I was chatting with py just now, and she says tt hz claims tt he knows i treat him well, but doesn know how to express himself.

she chose not to talk about it so much. cos indeed, it has nv been fair to me.

then i realised its not about a matter of choice. life should be full of choices, as the saying goes, but that's not the case most of the time. or maybe there are choices, but they are choices which bring about undesirable outcomes. outcomes which will lead to something worse than the present. that's the same as having no choice at all.

for everything that is under my responsibility, that's the case. from hz, to co, to class admin. what can i say?

maybe things are best left untouched. i believe my life at the present is still good. fantastic.

so what's there to complain?

Let life be what it is supposed to be. changed my blog skin...haha. i quite like this one...

yesterday, CO finally started to prepare for the Beauty and Beast (aka B&B) musical for next wed. pretty early huh?

so, we started off with the costumes. it was a living nightmare. we have ppl not returning their costumes, resulting in the lack of costumes and sizes, and we have to make some big size ppl wear small size. they were not very happy about it, but we managed to assure them that a mutual swop will be made on next mon.

well, yz (who's in charge of the costumes) didn want jor to help her, n there was a bit of misunderstanding, but it was solved thereafter.

anyway, i helped yz settle the costume, till i lost my temper. bloody hell, they keep changing their decisions. at first they said only those who are confirmed and pending will go for the rehearsal on monday, and so we gave out the costumes we had to those who are confirmed first, then pending. later they changed their minds, and said that everyone who practised the 3 songs were to go, and they'd kick out ppl there. the no. totalled to about 80, or more. but we are short of costumes!!! guess what they said? they said we bring all the costumes there on mon, and only give out on the bus! what an intelligent answer. firstly we will have chaos in the buses if we were to give out only then, secondly we already gave out the costumes n the ppl had left. moreover, we don't have enough costumes!!!

so i was like, cursing all the way with yz (even she cursed) and tried our best to settle the so-called dispute. finally, we decided to make all those who haven returned their costume to do so by mon morning and exchange those with the smaller sizes for those who cannot wear them, and give the remaining out to those who do not have. that's the best way out.

and speaking of next monday's rehearsal, it really...we neglected that we cannot report at sch at 5pm, cos we are leaving at 5 pm sharp. so we do not have much of a choice, we will report at 4 (due to the o lvl chi listening com) and bring all the instruments down. after having lunch at 4.30, we will leave sch. the rehearsal will be from 5 to 10. i will be very happy if i can leave sch by midnight.

we can arrive at sch at 9 the next day, but...nothing to say about that.

originally, there's a prac in the morn, but my instructor cancelled it. he claimed that we are ready, but i think otherwise. the songs aren't nice, and not well played. esp "color of the wind". its the nicest song, in d major. there's one part where suo na is the main and only melody, and he (hz's playing alone, ey playing di guan) and he faced some prob hitting the high notes..he really cannot afford to screw up, cos he will screw the whole orchestra up. worried for him...

and some of the other instruments stil facing yin zun prob...i guess we really need to have a miracle to tide through next week.

haha...enuff said. going to do work. i have SS, chi and lit to do today. tmr i will try to do hist source-based and a maths, then study bio. i guess i won have time to study phy. next week will be a v busy week...

so want to thank the guys in the back row we help me out this week...i guess i made them stressed also. haha. sry abt that!! u guys rock. i am going absolutely crazy. so far, for today only, i have done one phy practice test, 2 e maths papers and 1 a maths paper. n i have one more to go.

this crazy. i had never imagined myself doing so much in one day. i guess everyone is starting to charge...hope battery won die out. lol.

well..those peeps are so hardworking. until u will feel left out if you don do work. lol.

lately a lot of prob...i have a feeling tt i'm overloading myself...but what to do. sigh..just have to bear with it...

going to finish the paper...cya. hmm..i haven blogged for some time, so i decided to just type something.

have a chi speech to complete, then study chem. after which i will take a break, n watch world cup finals!!!! Allez la france!

Well, the new maid has arrived. i don like her..she's v introvert, and doesn noe how to serve us. she just stands there and stare at us, n we are supposed to tell her what to do. i doubt she even understands us. thank goodness i don have to face her everyday.

there are some things i cant say here, but i don feel good about it actually. this is the first time i have told him off without apologising to him shortly after. i wonder how he is now. i am just too tired to care so much.

as for sch, next week will be a very busy week as i have to get things done before the rehearsal and the actual performance itself. so...will be more stressed than usual. but i will try to relax. promise.

oki, going to finish tt speech. i'm so not going towrite it during exam. haha. cya. haha...i got a shock when i got to know mr ng is engaged. lol..so funny to say the term "my wife"...lol

wrist still hurts..haha. later goin to watch 3am match. Allez la france!!! sprained my wrist...sian. so bloody troublesome...

blog some other day. n changing my blog skin as well. don like it. lol.