tough.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
as the days go by, i find that i'm starting to lose myself. i'm beginning to say only certain things about someone in front of certain people...it's tough to find someone whom you can be candid and just say things without having to think of the repercussions.
and i'm beginning to question the things that i do in camp. are they actually worth my effort? i suppose people there just do not know me well enough, or i'm just a convenient scapegoat. why else would i be the prime suspect of something which i will never do?
days in camp are getting longer and more difficult to pass, and sometimes i feel that my patience is wearing so thin it can tear any moment. i feel like i'm only someone whom people will approach when something needs to be done; other times i'm just pretty much non-existent. or maybe existent to bring laughter to everyone except myself. it's beginning to get unbearable...it just gets more and more difficult to bear each day.
yet there are people who make my day, i am fortunate to know them by person but not fortunate enough to be working in their branch. i believe tongues will start to wag very soon - for me hanging out with their branch too often...when can i ever get the freedom that i want in camp? when would i stop being under the scrutiny of so many people?
and the group of people that could actually be my friends...who knows if i will still meet them after i step out of this camp? maybe we will never meet. or maybe we will, but as strangers. or maybe our relationship never extended beyond that of working partners.
who knows? only time will tell.
and i'm beginning to question the things that i do in camp. are they actually worth my effort? i suppose people there just do not know me well enough, or i'm just a convenient scapegoat. why else would i be the prime suspect of something which i will never do?
days in camp are getting longer and more difficult to pass, and sometimes i feel that my patience is wearing so thin it can tear any moment. i feel like i'm only someone whom people will approach when something needs to be done; other times i'm just pretty much non-existent. or maybe existent to bring laughter to everyone except myself. it's beginning to get unbearable...it just gets more and more difficult to bear each day.
yet there are people who make my day, i am fortunate to know them by person but not fortunate enough to be working in their branch. i believe tongues will start to wag very soon - for me hanging out with their branch too often...when can i ever get the freedom that i want in camp? when would i stop being under the scrutiny of so many people?
and the group of people that could actually be my friends...who knows if i will still meet them after i step out of this camp? maybe we will never meet. or maybe we will, but as strangers. or maybe our relationship never extended beyond that of working partners.
who knows? only time will tell.