how I really feel.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
pi don't usually blog from my phone, but the urge to get all my feelings out is too strong.i'm turning 21 this year, and so are many of my friends. i envy those who have friends planning surprises or parties for them, or even have quality time over something simple like shopping and dinner. i mean, facebook shows them all.
and i wonder why for the past 20 years of my life, the only time one entire group of people sang a birthday song for me was when i was secondary 3, and the rest of the time i had to be the one asking people to spend the day with me.
am i really that unapproachable, or unfriendly?
perhaps it's the way i carry myself. or the decisions i make. or the problems i face.
say when i was teaching. i decided to spend more time with my students than my colleagues. that's why i'm not as close to them. i don't regret it, but there's still this tinge of envy, perhaps even jealousy, tt i won't receive a similar birthday dinner from them. they probably wouldn't know that my birthday is coming. and before anyone tells me not to be stupid, it's only human nature.
which makes me wonder why i've been trying every year since sec 2 to get the same friends to spend it with me. it seems to me that every year, it's out of obligation than willingness that they agree to it. obligation because i hardly reject them when they do ask for help. but probably nothing more than that.
like i've said it may be beacuse of my problems that they shun me quite a bit. thinking about all the facebook pictures that talk about the idea of a true friend, i really wonder.
perhaps we have different definitions of a friend. i never asked, because they could never understand where i am coming from. but i always gave them the benefit of the doubt. but just this year, i don't want to be the one asking them out. i want someone to ask me out. that's my birthday wish.
childish, i know. but i would be lying if i said that isn't important to me. it is.
i can only hope that my 21st birthday will be a good one.
and in case anyone really does read this, i still see them as good friends. i just hoped that we could spend more time together, rather than always hanging the word 'busy' by the side of our mouths. we all have 24 hours a day; you decide how you want to spend it best.
a long hiatus.
Monday, October 10, 2011
i haven't written since school started.
a long, yet seemingly short, 8 weeks have passed.
school's okay, manageable so far.
school has allowed me to strengthen my views on certain issues, and made me discover better what kind of a person i am.
which is why i am struggling. the kind of person i am, and the kind of things i seek for in life, don't really seem to coincide.
or rather they do, but just can't happen together.
it's complicated. and i wish things were simpler.
a long, yet seemingly short, 8 weeks have passed.
school's okay, manageable so far.
school has allowed me to strengthen my views on certain issues, and made me discover better what kind of a person i am.
which is why i am struggling. the kind of person i am, and the kind of things i seek for in life, don't really seem to coincide.
or rather they do, but just can't happen together.
it's complicated. and i wish things were simpler.