I realised I haven't written for a long time.

There's so much that I want to tell someone, but I don't know who to tell. I guess it's really difficult to find someone who can truly understand how you think. Maybe even impossible.

It hasn't been a wonderful semester, to be honest. Never been so unproductive in my life. Well others were rushing projects, I find myself sleeping. Not that I don't have to do my work and projects, I somehow managed to complete them. To an acceptable standard at least.

In fact, I should be reading the biz law notes I prepared, but it's just too darn boring. Now I see why we should study the subjects that we are interested in. O Level Bio was much more fun than this.

If you ask me, this semester has made me think about a lot of things. What does my true interest lie, what kind of job should I get in the future, who are my real friends...and how much more should I care about things and people around me.

It's complicated. I care about my friends, but I don't want the friendship to be based on merely me helping them and them trying to return me the favour. I don't need people to return me favours. At least for now. I need people to understand where I am coming from, how I feel, and how I think. People may say - what about my students? Don't they say 'thank you' too?

Somehow there's just this big difference between them, and most of my friends I have now. This difference I find it hard to explain. It's ironic I know, but a group of teenagers seem to know better what being a friend entails. They ask me out. They care for me, as much as I care for them, both academically and psychologically (if that is the correct word to use). Yes, I started off helping them, but I am a teacher for crying out loud. And who says a teacher cannot be your friend?

There's so much I want to say about the rigidity of the current education system, the formality...its all about balance.

So, back to the topic. What does being a friend really mean? That, I can't explain well. Never been good in words. But at the very least, less helping each other in time of need, it means spending time together, or to say the least making time for each other even though you're damn busy, having fun.

Sometimes I wonder why so many of my friendships didn't work out. perhaps I'm weird. low EQ. But it actually is very simple.

It's the simplest things that are most difficult to find. That, I can't agree more.

I've got a bidding group in school. No offence, just saying what I feel. One wished me good results for my birthday. I appreciate that, and I won't deny that results are important, but that's not what I'm really looking out in life. Perhaps they don't know me well enough. Fair. But after helping them, and seeing how they respond to it...sometimes I wonder why I am trying so hard. SMU is a lonely school, that I admit, but why can't they make it less lonely for themselves, as well as for me? Is it only all about work?

There's one who's very excited about working together, because we can trust each other to do work. See it's about work again. Working together is not just about producing work, about spoiling the market - it's the process. It's about having fun. I appreciate their effort, I do. But that shouldn't be all to life.

I miss the times I work with my friends in secondary school, and the times I work with my students as I'm teaching. Maybe, maybe I'm asking too much. But is that, by itself, a mistake I shouldn't make?

Looking at how the financial sector is right now, i don't see how I will enjoy working in it. Maybe I should just be a teacher, or take the alternative approach, and do what I really want. Let my life be an adventure. There're so many things I want to do - travel, set up a hostel, teach in a foreign country, help there. The list just goes on. It's just where to start. I hope I know when the time comes.

Okay enough of ranting. Time to go to bed...and spend another day studying.