I haven't written for ages. So, here goes.

Dear Diary,

I write with a heavy heart.

It's the nth time we quarreled. Same story. You get tired, you start to show your attitude, I get pissed, start to lecture you about life, things get worse, and you just stop doing work. And stop replying me altogether. It upsets me more than you think, really.

Is there really any way out of this? I'm beginning to doubt that there is any.

I've always believed that there's a way out of anything. So long as you have the will. I know you are trying. And I guess it's my fault, because I tend to extend my self-expectations on you. I know it's unfair to you, and that's the reason why I try to avoid this mistake. For this, I am sorry.

On top of that, of course, is how we communicate. More specifically, how I always fail to hear you. Because you hardly speak. You know that. You don't like to tell people how you feel and think about things. And when you finally do, I admit that I miss it. Like how you really cannot concentrate you are tired. But I heard you this time round.

But there are so many other things I don't know. How you feel about us forcing you to do what you don't like - angry, don't understand why? Why do you not like studying - a waste of time? The reasons behind us getting you to study - you really don't see the big picture?

You don't necessarily have to talk to me about it. You could write, type, or tell someone else.

It's difficult for me to help you like this.

And you will say, I don't need anyone's help.

And I never, ever figured out how to answer you.

Because I'm not sure if you are aware that you have a problem to deal with. Or if you are aware, you admit that it is a problem. I know it's painful, but I perfectly understand this. Because I used to have problems I refuse to admit. And perhaps this was why my ex left me.

So you need to tell me, or someone else, what you think about this.

And the next question is, why do I want to help you? You say this struggle that I have, is my own choice. Nobody asked me to do this. It pains me to hear this from you, honestly speaking.

You are right. It's my personal choice. And there are times I struggle with it. In fact, there are times when I want to give up too. Because I am human. But I want to help you, because I care for you. And because you have brought so much into my life. It's my way of thanking you.

And every time I want to give up, I remind myself that I cannot. Because I know how it is like to be given up by someone you love and care about. And that feeling, is lethal.

However, after saying so much, there is only so much I can do. I cannot force you. If you choose to give up without putting up a fight, there's nothing I can do. I can encourage you, motivate you, help you - only if you want to help yourself.

 So, I beg you, write to me. Tell me what and how you feel.

I want to help you, so please, help me help you.

I write with a heavy heart.